UPDATE NOVEMBER

I've let things lie a bit too long. My head is so full of things I need to do, want to do and plan to do when I finally get to travel, that I find myself getting overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing - the songs are still getting written and this is the most important thing I have to do since the songs, and the album, are the basis of this whole project.
So, to catch up, this is an update on... everything. Just to clear my head and find some order. You'd think I wouldn't have any problems seeing as I've got all my time for myself, but having the freedom to do your own thing each and every day brings its own problems - self-motivation being the key word here. I can be so lazy sometimes, other times so inspired and creative - maybe I shouldn't worry, but just ride the wave of my creative energy... let it all happen in its own time...

SONGS
I've written 12 songs of the 18 I had planned. I can get the last 6 done over the next week or so. I've been playing them often - that's productive work too. But I'm eager to get into the real work in the studio. Spent an evening with my partner Geert last friday - we played through the songs using different instruments: flute, mandolin, two acoustic guitars in harmony, harmonica... it's given us some ideas for the production and mixing. With influences ranging from Nick Drake to Eddie Vedder via Steven Stills, I'm confident this is going to be as good an album as you can make in an attic studio. It's great for me to leave the technique in Geert's hands - I do not want to get into that side of things at this stage. And believe me, writing the songs requires a lot more input than you would expect. I'm not writing cheesy love songs or laments of heartbreak or "clap your hands and dance" ditties... this album is a somewhat historical document - I have to do a lot of research about the subject I'm writing about. And THEN I have to condense that information into rhyming sonnets. Having a catchy tune is only part of the process - this is literature man! This is poetry!

STORYTELLING
I finally got the courage up to get out in front of the crowd at the Mezrab. I'd done my Mezrab song and an introductory poem a few weeks ago - and I was nervous as hell. This time I made it a little easier for myself. Took Geert and his wife along for moral support, and a camera to record my performance. After a few regular storytellers had done their pieces I got up there on the "Orator's chair". I had a story worked out as an introduction, but I changed my mind about doing it at the last minute - instead I just improvised my intro to tell people about my project and the two songs I wanted to sing. It was a strange experience - one part of my brain is consciously communicating with the audience, and another part is consciously observing myself in this situation, and talking to me like a miniature angel on my shoulder - "He Mike, this is going okay - you're connecting - they're laughing and cheering - this is not so hard or scary after all..."
It worked - I looked at the video later and I can say I didn't do too bad. But the most important thing is that I've finally broken through my main obstacle - I enjoyed it and I know I can do this now, and I never have to fear it again... and it was a kick!
The video is rubbish though - the light was low and my camera didn't record it well so I'm NOT going to post it here. When I've got the technique sorted, and I think I've got it sorted now, then I'll start filming all my "performance" experiences. There are some evenings I want to get to in December... and I'm fired up now and can't wait for my next chance to sing and tell a "real" story.

PROJECT
I've been re-defining what my goal is with this project - apart from the obvious one of being free to write songs and travel. And it's about sharing the experience of storytelling and helping others to see what telling stories can do for them, for their self-confidence, their understanding, their relationships with the people around them. I want to get people as enthusiastic about this as I feel... get them writing, and opening up, and telling, and writing poems and songs, and singing and celebrating the wonder of being human and living life...
And I hope to inspire people through MY story, THIS story: me, quitting my job to follow my dream travelling and meeting people everywhere. When I told people about this at the Mezrab I was greeted with loud cheers and whistles and applause... obviously it makes an impression on people - maybe it lies at the root of everyone's dreams.
So, with this clearly defined "purpose" I can stop thinking that I have to do this to sell lots of albums so I can make enough money to carry on doing this - which is the conditioned mindset that smothers me from time to time - but instead look forward in anticipation to a journey of discovery that is sure to bring a lot of surprises.

WRITING
I bought myself a new laptop - a notebook. It took so long for the old laptop to function that I never wanted to start the thing up. But this is a good laptop so I can get online quickly, onto my blog and get stuck into writing. But I don't write every day, which surprises me because I always thought that I would. I still write every day in my personal journal - with a pen on paper, and when I'm typing at the computer I enjoy the process...but sometimes I think my days are not eventful enough yet to share. When I'm travelling I expect to have lots to tell - but here, now, in Amsterdam where I spend most of my days at home... well that's not so exciting is it? But yesterday I wrote a short piece for Hubpages (an online writing community that I was active on a few years ago)... and that fired me up again. So I hope I can get back into regular posting, and step up this project into the next gear. The songs are nearly finished, we'll be starting the recording soon, my preparations for the journey are moving along, I'm getting a buzz back, personal obstacles have been conquered... and Christmas is on the doorstep. I'm surfing the crest of a high wave at this moment, and I don't want to lose this momentum.

OTHER THINGS
I'm getting my first smartphone soon - a friend has an old Samsung he can sell me cheaply. This should give me more options for video and photo documenting on my travels. An ex-colleague from the school is still wanting to sell his camper - I think it would be a good solution for me, but I need to get it sorted soon. I've been tentatively researching the "storytelling" scene in Europe... might be a good idea to base my travel route around these venue locations... at least to start off with. And I've actually started to get my house in order - in preparation for leaving it all behind!

And that's it for this post. I think it's time I tried my hand now at videoblogging... hmmmmm!

Spoken Word Poems

I've made a new page called POEMS. This is going to list all the writings I do that fall under the category "Poem" to distinguish them from stories. I've been so inspired lately by "Performance Poetry/Spoken Word Poetry" that I know it's going to be a major part of my writing activities from now on.

And I've written and performed my first poem already - "I Wrote A Song", which I did last Friday evening at the Mezrab. As I get more adept at this I'll be able to discuss the process of writing them, but as everything else on this blog, it's still a process in development - as is this blog itself and this whole project.

I got a message from my brother Gary, whose following my blog, in which he suggests I add some videos of my songs so people can hear them as well as read the lyrics - this too is in development. But most of all... "I am in development myself" - this is a whole new lifestyle for me. I've been so programmed the last 15 years to get up and go to work, that I now have to "deal" with having all the time in the world for myself and the things I like to do. And my head and heart are still in a sort of "pleasant shock"... suddenly, with all this time on my hands, I realize just how much there is that I want to do, and it feels somewhat overwhelming. I need to get down from this cloud and into some new routine, organize myself - but I want to do this naturally because what is the point in creating new deadlines and pressures for myself, expecting myself to be measurably productive every day?

Yesterday, for example, it was such beautiful weather, that I couldn't stay inside to do the things I'd planned - I had to get out. So I went for a walk in the forest. And in walking, and later during a jogging session with Geert, I mulled over other important concepts - this too is productive in an abstract way, and this too is part of the development I'm going through. A long walk brings thoughts into clarity that I can write later as a poem, or a story, or a song.

Life is good for me at this moment - I'm still on the cloud enjoying the wonder of it all... I don't want to feel guilty for that.

I Wrote A Song

I wrote a song – the Mezrab song

It’s quite long

But when my tongue and mind were synchronized

And I had the whole thing memorized

I aspired to sing that song

one summers eve at the tolhuistuin

And I was ready – so I thought

But I was wrong…

And to cut a long story short

I realized just how scared I am about singing in front of an audience and that’s the main reason I never did much with all the songs I’ve written over the years which is quite a few, and why I didn’t grasp at opportunities and missed some chances I regretted later but don’t anymore but still I could have been much more… 

Is it the things we do in life that define who we are

Or is it the things we don’t do, that define who we are not

Are YOU doing what you want to do?

Good for you – if you are

If not – why not?

What is it that stops us doing that which we want to do

These are important questions to ask yourself if you want to know who you really are

If you want to be more than you are

More than who you seem to be

To you – to me – to we

If you believe you could be more – should be more

If you know your potential is greater than your reality

Your latent potential – your patent reality

Hiding the real you

Disguising the bigger you

What great things could you do – or be – if you were free

To be who you want to be…

Be honest with yourself

Like me – I’ve searched my soul for my answers

I’ve seen my potential

I’ve scurried through the ominous shadows of my fears

I know who I am – and who I’m not…..yet

Because you can bet – I’ve got big plans for myself…

SHE – a friend – “calls me dreamer still”

and she believes that,

And she’s not the only one.

But I can ignore those labels now

I know me better than she

And I’d rather be a dreamer than… well…

“I’d rather be head in the clouds than be sinking”

to quote one of my own songs – and I’m thinking

I do that a lot these days…

And I’m not the only one.

So who AM I – and who am I not?

I changed my facebook profile recently

It didn’t fit my new identity

Or my present activities

And if it’s the things you do that define who you are then I’m

A songwriter – I write songs – sometimes, I sing them.

I’m not a rockstar – too old to start on that road

I’m a storyteller

I’m a poet – don’t you know it 

And this is a poem, and a story, and could be a…  long… song…

And all this makes me a writer too

And this is who I am -  on facebook at least.

But I’m not yet a performer, you see 

I suffer from “stage anxiety”

and I'm not the only one.

But that’s a problem as you can imagine

I still need to learn to connect with an audience

I mean…

This is my priority – this is my dream

This is the mountain I’ve still got to climb

The dragon I’ve still got to slay

And it’s going to take time

But one day…

And if you think I’m doing okay now, up here, and maybe this is enough

Well don’t be fooled, this is all just bluff

And inside I’m a shaking, shuddering sweating wreck of nerves

But I promised myself

Tonight… tonight… I will not put it off til tomorrow

Or next week or next month… not again…

I’ve already put it off too long

Tonight…

I WILL sing the Mezrab song.