Update February

26-02-2013        

Cafe thijssen, corner of Lindengracht and Brouwersgracht, Amsterdam.

I set off with Kyrian to find a music store where I could buy a neck-brace for harmonica. I've got two songs with harmonica parts, and I  have the intention of writing more, so this is a necessary investment.

We headed for the Rosengracht. Bought my brace (17euro), and we walked through the side streets to look for a suitable cafe where we could write.

Kyrian has some theater texts to work on, among other TtheaterTroep" work... I just want somewhere to write. There's so much playing around in my head, I need to get it down. So after  a little wandering we ended up here. It's a popular destination, close to the Noordermarkt. Last time I was here was 5 or so years ago... in a summer if I remember. After 20 years its  surprising how much of Amsterdam I still don't know - the result of a limited (poor) social-life.

But being here now is inspiring This is a typical brown-cafe - brown smokey ceiling and green woodwork. An old piano opposite our table tells of the good old days of local singalongs...no longer a part of the culture. This is the Jordaan.. the heart of the city, the soul of its history. The piano is just a place to dump newspapers onto now - it would surprise me if it ever gets played. The bar is distinctly low with tiny stools for a child's format - or a dwarf's. Only seen one place with this sort of low bar.. The Nieuwe Anita where I played a couple of weeks ago.

I stood outside to smoke and had an idea... while I'm still in Amsterdam, and to make the most of the opportunity, I could visit a different cafe everyday.. take a picture, describe the atmosphere... a nice little series before my farewell. And since I'm going to be visiting many cafes across Europe this year, it could be the start of a continuing series. A red line to bind my travels together... if I could play every piano I came across, well that would be nice too... but I'm not a piano player unfortunately. Still, there's always the chance of singing. I realized after this week away, that I may not have to look for venues to sing in... just as with the Nieuwe Anita, and the Kuhstal, I could get all my invitations from other people.

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This ski-trip has been more important than just an opportunity to take a holiday in the snow. I had a discussion with Geert the morning we left, in a little cafe in Pec Pod... we touched on some existential points, and I'm having trouble trying to define them. They were important because they summed up what it is I'm actually doing this year.

The point we came to is that its not about the music, or the travel, or the money, or the album, or even the songs... it's about the exercising of self-awareness. I'm a minstrel, on a pilgrimage of the soul - that's as close as I can get to a good formulation.

It's about discussion and questions, learning to ask the right questions and stimulate answers and further self-examination. The music is a means to come into conversation, the album is a trade-middle. Through my meetings and discussions, I will gain insight into myself and others... and be part of the awakening of others to themselves. I can function as a storyteller (in song, poetry and prose) and these stories will serve as a reflection of life that causes people to think about their own stories. This is the way Geert functions - he doesn't provide advice, he never says how things must be done - instead he poses questions, often without planning, which spurs people into self-reflection and understanding. And he does this by carrying out his own self-examination, and sharing his findings.

Geert is quite a phenomenon in this area - for me a sort of mentor for the philosophical questions - and I'll possibly be referring to him often.  He isn't limited by judgement of others by age or status.. everyone is truly equal and he talks to everyone in the same way, undaunted and unintimidated by any personal traits or factors of his discussion partners. This is an enviable trait of his, which I hope to emulate in the course of my development.

Most people are confined within their insecurities, and project a persona that serves as protection... I would really love to break free of this. Maybe this is my true purpose this year.

I have an enormous amount of creative freedom before me - sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I want to write, to tell stories, to write songs, to develop my performing skills and my social skills, I want to develop my musicianship, I want to inspire people, to meet people, to gather the stories of others, to be inspired, and to live an adventure worthy of a book... and I want to secure  a situation that will enable me to continue as such into next year and beyond. And I want to learn to have complete trust in this happening for me. I also want to improve my physical state considerably, and improve my eyesight. So much to do.

And this is where I come back to the existential point of it all - break free from "wanting" to do things, and discovering what happens by  "doing" without any end in sight...

Geert has the ability to put these thoughts into a well-formulated whole - I really need to capture this on video for study and  clarity... because I'm not yet ready to read Steiner religiously just yet (HIS mentor).

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I was reminded of my father during one of my langlaufen trips last week. My father was a plasterer and loved his work. Proud of his smoothly finished walls, a real craftsman. But what I always admired was his tempo - he worked steadily at his own tempo, while others raced to get as much work finished in as short a time as possible. His tempo enabled him to guarantee a steady standard without ever tiring. His work was a form of meditation, and it's enlightening to understand why he loved his work so much.

On my langlauf trip, I was part of a group, and we were pushed to our limits this day. Climbing for three hours before we could rest in a restaurant, because the half-way stop was closed. I was shattered, had to take off my skis because I had strength no longer in my arms to help me up those slippery routes. I wasn't the only one. But two of the group combated their tiredness by going faster - racing ahead to reach a destination we couldn't see, desperate to shorten the agony. But then you have Geert, again, as an example of zen-spirit... Geert doesn't seem to tire. He doesn't hurry, doesn't change his pace. Just continues at his own "steady" tempo. If you just keep going, you'll get there eventually, and anyway, it's not the destination but the journey that is the goal. Geert approaches and carries out all his activities, whether in work or play, with the same attitude.... just as my father did.

I understand this, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it should be. Even on this project, where  have a whole year ahead of me to do all the things I want to do, without deadlines, without time-limits, without expectations, without competitive elements, without goal other than just to "do"... I still feel the pressure to get there fast... but where? I ask myself. Why is it so difficult to find a tempo and stick to it? Why am I in a hurry to find out why I feel hurried?

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Just another line of thought that springs up when I let my mind wander:  People are  strange... the energy between people can be so confusing - it's worth an examination.

I come back to Geert. He appears to intimidate a lot of people. He doesn't do it himself, and it's not his intention. You have intimidaters who do it purposely for the power-trip or as a form of defense for their egos. Geert doesn't intimidate people... people are intimidated by him. That's a different thing altogether. And the reason is that he is a very good mirror. His questions jolt the status-quo of peoples illusory lives. And not everyone (and I would say most people) are happy being jolted.

But I've never felt intimidated by Geert. How can that be so? Whereas I "AM" intimidated by many others - especially those who are adept at using intimidation for their own good. I an even be intimidated by people who feel intimidated in their turn by Geert. Strange indeed.

But I do believe it is an ego thing. Geert doesn't feel any need to protect or enforce his ego - this gives him the security to just be himself, and to interact with everyone on the same level regardless. I find this to be an enviable trait. I don't like to "feel" intimidated - so this is an important area of examination for me this year. And the only way to exercise this as a developing trait, is to talk to people - many and often... I think I'm going to be surprised to discover that I've had no reason to feel intimidated all his time. And I can imagine just how freeing it will be to be released from this self-induced belittling character trait.

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